What DO I WANT to be when I grow up???

I remember like it was yesterday...I was singing with my hairbrush in front of the mirror hanging on the door...so very loud...but on key...LOVE IN ANY LANGUAGE, FLUENTLY SPOKEN HERE...Yes, Sandi Patty was my idol growing up. Amy Grant was a close 2nd, but Sandi was all that and a bag of chips to me! I loved that she loved herself...was confident...or so I thought. I remember hearing on TBN that her and her husband were getting a divorce, my world just fell apart. I just could not believe my idol had fallen...or so I presumed. No matter what, she was still my idol.

Here I am all these years later and I finally get to see her again, if even from the nose bleed section at Conseco Field House, she still amazes me. Her voice and her love for her savior is vivid in every note she hits. But this time seeing her at this time in HER life, she taught me more in one hour than all of the 2 years I spent in counseling! Seriously! Ok so deep breath, I too am divorced! Ok, you can exhale and call me what ever name you can think of...but it is true.

At the age of 18 I jumped for the first guy who uttered the marriage word. Long story short, I made many mistakes and so did he. Stupid, Stupid me! It took over 2 years of counseling and soul searching to figure out why I did it, and who I was...but I am a better person today for all of that. Thanks Mr. X! You see, I had become someone who I thought that he had wanted. The whole time I was dating him and then married him I thought, he really wanted so and so and he got me so I need to be more like so and so. I was so jealous and dis trot, it was pitiful! According to my counselor, that was the truth so why did I marry him? Geesh, I thought they were going to tell me that! Oh well...moving on.

Sandi was the same way. She went through a very public divorce. She forgot who she was and what God wanted her to be. But she pulled though with the Grace of God! So did I! However, to this day I still feel this shame when I think about it. When I run into people who knew me back then...or who were in my wedding (so sorry :( for the ugly cranberry dresses!). In the short time she spoke on Saturday, I SWEAR she was just there to speak to me!!! She spoke about the guilt and shame that we all bear that is totally unnecessary! That is our past. And we must move on. But even after all of those year I hadn't until Saturday! So after 13 years later, my idol is up on stage telling me what I have needed to hear for 13 years. This was a light bulb moment for me! There are times in life that we struggle with the plans that God has for us, WHY??? I love Proverbs 16:9 In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. I actually have that verse in my entry way to remind me every day that God has AMAZING plans for us...so just let go and let him do his magic! And for those of you who have the pleasure of knowing me, you KNOW that I am a bit of a control freak(thanks Mom!)...so that at times is a bit of conflict of interest. So now the question is...who am I? And what and I doing here! LOL

Thanks to Sandi and God I know I am right where God wants me to be. I am a wife, my husband and I will be married 11 years on August 28th. I am a mother, I have 3 beautiful children with whom I am blessed. I am a friend, daughter, sister and aunt, and I love my family unconditionally. I am a servant, I love God with my whole heart and am blessed to be part of a wonderful church family of people who love me. I am a student and a working mom. I am blessed beyond measure.

Bottom line is, we are and should be growing in every aspect of our lives daily. I think our youth pastor last week hit it right on the head...if we die to ourselves our past will remain our past. And we can move forward with God's will for our lives! Love it! Going to LIVE it!

So what do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be whatever God wants me to be...! :)